Leading The Congruent Life

The core of a balanced life is being congruent in two ways. The first is living in congruence with your values and beliefs for the overall scheme of your life. The second is being congruent in your every day living. This occurs when your thoughts, feelings and behavior are consistent and in alignment.

Life congruence starts with discovering or uncovering your values and beliefs, then living out those values. We don't stop to think about it but what others see for all practical purposes is what we are. In other words, living a messy, ineffective, or inauthentic life may not only be troubling to you, but is the way others perceive you and judge your values. How can people think that our behavior is anything but a reflection of our values and beliefs? You may be living in any of the following states where you:

• know your values and act according to those values
• know your values but for many reasons don't act according to them
• don't know your values and beliefs and act based upon others' values and dictates
• don't know what you value and act in a haphazard and reactive manner

    The first state is true congruence. For most of us, congruence emerges from a long process of self- reflection and life experiences. And we are not always in that full state of congruence. We generally slip and slide back and forth to the second, knowing and not acting or the third, not being sure and living according to others' values. The last state generally requires professional help as it is so disorganized that it can be evidence of really in-effective coping. People can, of course, dip down into this state when experiencing spiritual or life crises.
    
Knowing your values but not acting and living according to them is a form of incongruence. Carl Rogers originated the term congruence as it refers to our living and relating to others. He described congruence as our thoughts feeling and behaviors matching. In communication there are two ways to be incongruent, either by deceit or denial. Deceit is being aware of your thoughts and feelings but not expressing them. It may be because of fear of being your authentic self. And it takes courage to be that authentic self. When you are certain about what you value and the direction for your life, you can move forth to express yourself congruently. Incongruence by denial is when we deny or don't recognize a feeling. The denial is a defense mechanism to reduce our anxiety. To bring up the feeling causes anxiety so we don't let ourselves "feel' the feeling. What is interesting about this state is that usually others can see what we are feeling even though we don't consciously express it. Centering practices such as relaxation and meditation help to reduce anxiety.

The third state, not knowing your own values and beliefs but reacting and/or living according to others', blocks living a balanced life. An indication that you may be in this third state is when there is a large gap between the time you spend on an area of your life and your amount of satisfaction. This is a form of cognitive dissonance. You can discover what your true values are by reflecting upon this cognitive dissonance. For example, you may be working very long hours and spending little time with your family or on other fulfilling activities. If your satisfaction level is low about this, what does it mean? It may mean that you really do value work above other areas of your life, but then to really be congruent, the amount of work and satisfaction would be more closely correlated. Or perhaps you are living according to others' expectations of what is "good living" and you are not sure about your own values and identity, or, put another way, whose life are you living? The last possibility is that you realize that you do value many things besides working, but have just forgotten. Uncovering your true values relating to work and the rest of your life sets you back on the path to congruence.

Self-reflection is essential to this discovering and uncovering process. 


Emmett Fox describes an optimal life state as being in your true place. This is different from being in the right place. Fox writes "you are always in your right place because you are always in the place that corresponds with your mentality at the moment, but this may not be your true place." You are learning something from each experience and it reflects your current state of understanding. Fox explains that each of us is unique and that no one but you can fill your true place. When your right place and true place become one, that's congruence.
Thoreau said it this way:

Live your beliefs and
You can turn the world around

Source
http://leadingyourlife.com/newsletters/04.htm